Incentives: Easier Than Motivation (Just Ask My Kids)
Today marks the first day of summer break for many children around the Bay Area—mine included. For working parents with younger kids, this is the beginning of a 7–9 week scheduling puzzle, and you’re in trouble if you didn’t book camps early. Luckily, I have a group of highly organized “tiger moms” nudging me to plan ahead—this week is ice skating.
Both kids surprised me this morning. Super self-motivated, they woke up on their own at 7am—no alarms, no nagging—made and ate breakfast, and were ready to head out by 8. Quite a contrast from the shouting and rushing on school days.
Later in the day, after picking them up early and finishing dinner, screen time negotiations began. My 11-year-old just finished 5th grade a bit behind in writing, so I proposed a deal: Write a one-page essay in 40 minutes → 30 minutes of video games.
What followed was the longest 40 minutes of his life. I watched him wrestle with words, get distracted by his pencil and toys, and occasionally glance at my screen while I worked. I had to keep reminding him about the time.
At one point, he noticed an email I was sending to my team reminding them—yet again—to follow a process when filling out timecards. He asked, “Why do you have to remind them three times?” I laughed. "Same reason I have to remind you to finish this essay. I haven't figured out how to make either of you do it on your own."
And that got me thinking... This begs the question: Is it more effective to use incentives to drive behavior, or to coach self-motivated individuals who do the work voluntarily? I probably got it wrong with my kids. For quick behavioral wins, incentives are the easy tool—something most parents (myself included) fall back on.
But what we really want is to raise kids who are self-motivated—because that’s what sustains them as they grow. Much easier said than done. 😅
Still experimenting—but so far, video games seem more motivating than personal growth.